Journaling, one of the top on the list of how to purge or relieve stress.

I feel like I have been on an intense roller coaster of work.  Weeks upon weeks of breakless days when hectic schedules, troubleshooting and system nightmares, and responding, responding, responding.  The stress curve, a bell curve proving some pressure is good, but too much can lead to disfunction.  I am not disfunctonal yet, but I am definitely seeing the cracks in my facade.  So I guess its time to talk to my manager about softening the demands a little bit, get more help on managing the projects.

I feel like most days I am standing on the edge of a cliff, no, not suicidal, but ready to bungee jump. Sometimes the jump is productive - a good product, a pat on the back, something completed when no one else had the time.  Other times, I feel nauseus and dizzy, because I know I will be bouncing up and down and up and down all day.  It's that wiggly part right in the middle that's the moments where I forget to email someone a status. . .or I don't realize the week is already done.  . .or the computer inexplicable slows to an excruciating halt. . .churn churn churn.  I'm not so certain a job should be bungee jumping every day!  In fact, I am guessing that many stress and wellness therapists would look at that description and see red flags all over it.  But, that has been my job, particularly in the past two months.

This week, I stood at the edge of the cliff and just didn't want to jump.  So I jumped slower.  I took more time making sure my nets were safe.  I made sure there wasn't as much wiggle.  But mostly, I just wanted to stand there. To not jump. To get things done. Maybe go rowing, maybe white water rafting - let the water carry me a bit, and maybe some bumpy times.  But not bungee jumping.  Yeah, I want to switch to some white water rafting for a bit.  Or just rafting in general with occasional white waters.

See. . .I can see the bouncing ahead. I can see from the top of the cliff how far down it is to actually hit solid ground.  I can also see what will pull me back, what will make me nauseus.  Impossible deadlines, projects on topics I have never done with impossible deadlines.  Not having enough time to do things right the first time.  And then never having time to hand it off to someone else.  So again I come to being almost a one man shop in my own little corner of developing. 

It doesn't help that I can bungee jump for work. That I can bounce, come back up, say sure let's go again.  It doesn't help that in work (unlike real bungee jumping which I would never do) I am willing to jump right in and take the bruises as it comes.  It doesn't help when its the boss saying jump jump jump. 

I love my job. I love what I do, even when things go wrong. I love solving problems, making things work. I am extremely passionate, as I have been told all my life.  It has been pretty recent for me to come to that realization - that I approach my work with passion, love, exuberance, devotion.  It isn't who I am, but it is something I love. I get a high out of solving things, learning things, figuring out new things. 

Recently, it hasn't been quite as much learning as tweaking, applying what I have learned in the past year. Its mind boggling what I have learned in the past year, in the past three years.  Three years with the same company, and all in all, they treat us well. 

I next year I will split my vacation into two parts of the year, a week in the late winter/early spring, a week in the late summer/early fall.  I would love a vacation right now.  Some time to just go mill around, see things.  With Dave's schedule, its difficult to have much time for anything.  But, most of our projects are manageable now, things we can do bits and pieces. Projects he can do on his day off when I work, things I can do on my day off when he works. 

So we can go to the park, go for a drive, watch a football game, check out the farmers market, go to a museum.  These are things I need to get back into my schedule. 

It's not just work.  It's the helping my parents move, the getting the house fixed up, the parties, weddings, or other social/work activities.  The summer started out with a bang and then disappeared.

And changing patterns.

The sleep doctor told me, in no uncertain terms, that I needed to cut out caffiene after noon. So I have.  And honestly - it's working. I have had no problem falling asleep around midnight, getting up 7.5-8.5 hours later, sleeping through the night.  I don't have the anxiety of "I'm not asleep yet!"  I like to sleep until 8:30 or 9:00. And if I am only to get 7.5-8 hours of sleep, that means I really shouldn't go to bed earlier then midnight.

But now I have lost touch with all of my insomniac friends.  So rather then having a good hour or two of chatting with the outside world, I have a few minutes here and there. Really I work 8-9 hours almost steady - rushing through lunch, or a fifteen minute break to hit the row machine. Then Dave gets home. We eat dinner, watch tv, I take a soak, read a book, and its sleep time. Consistent 8-8.5 hours of sleep. Its crazy, its abnormal for me. Of course, I am a tad more restless when I am a wake. A tad more eager to get out of the house, do something. 

The aunts are coming to visit.  Unfortunately, its too close to the end of the quarter for me to take Monday off. But I will be devoting tomorrow to sprucing the place up AND decorating for Halloween. I figure, it's my favorite holiday, and the aunts should see the house decorated for some holiday. Plus, every other weekend is packed from here on to Halloween. So if I want to enjoy the month I better use it! :) 

Dave is going to make his special red sauce, and his aunt and he are going to make pizza as well. It should be a yummy weekend. Sunday will most likely be filled relaxing and catching up, and cooking. Monday, back to work for me - but at least Dave and his aunts will have some time together.

OK, I am honestly feeling better. . .maybe the doctors are right. . .journaling DOES help purge stress.

of the insomnia. I am tired of being awake in the middle of the night - looking for someone to talk to.  Even worse is in the middle of the day, or the afternoon.  I am tired of being so awake and feeling like everyone else is not really awake with me. 

Its frustrating. I don't really even have anything to say or talk about.  I just feel awake and I feel like everything around me is moving sluggishly in comparison.

I have generally had a short fuse of late.  Of late really just being this past week.  In part, it is the frustration of getting to know a new set of individuals at work, each with their own quirks, none really knowing much about me at all.  Work has been packed to the brim, and between juggling the many personalities, new tasks, and my usually unpredictable hormones, it is not odd that I am a tad bit short fused. 

The truth is, I love my job. I love the work I do. I am still adjusting to one coworker who prefers the phone above everything else. Communication is not a strong suit of any programmer stereotypically speaking. And as I move further away from customers, I am finding I often agree with that - my own inclination is to hide behind IMs and emails.  And still, my favorite customer does not fail to brighten my day with his humor, and the challenge of understanding a new database or new tool does not fail to make me feel a sense of accomplishment. But as the hours pile up from the mountain of work, with no end in sight, I also am prone to get tired and wonder who is making these schedules anyway?

Tonight I went out with a group of woman all from the informal but fun Non-Native Women of Pittsburgh meetup group.  I had organized the event about two weeks ago and was extremely pleased with the 17 person response rate to the meetup. Of course the day of it shrunk down to 10. And then upon arrival, only 5 actually showed up. With myself, and a random woman who chanced to come out to eat as a break from her routine at home, we made for a extremely talkative group of 7.  As we spoke of the job market, friends and aquaintances losing jobs or struggling wth having to take pay cuts, or even those amongst us who were feeling the cut backs, I was reminded how fortunate I was to have a job that I was passionate about and scheduled at least 4-8 weeks out.  I was also reminded not to make judgement of anyone who made unexpected choices with their unemployment funding. 

We discussed changing times, the need to look beyond the expected out come of our educations, and the many ways we could make ends meet.  It was interesting, informative, and perhaps an example of how people truly begin to form a society when excess is taken away.  We all commented on the state of the education system inadvertantly threatening the success of future generations (why is a bachelors degree becoming the minimum for entry level work??), the shift of the housing market, the best cars to purchase for durability versus the risk of backing a potentially bankrupt company. 

We each knew of someone who had been laid off, if not many people. . .personally or not.  We were bemused by the cutting of benefits, the cutting of pay, the involuntary unpaid 1 week holiday per month being inforced by companies.  And in outrage exclaimed with equal passion that the benefits will most likely not come back any time soon, if ever - once lost and accepted as a "fringe" it would become something that they would not even offer.

7 strong women, 7 women who had each lived in multiple states, held multiple jobs, transitioned multiple times, with varying levels of success, and hundreds of stories hiding behind those smiles, laughs, pauses, choices to understand, likes and dislikes. These are woman who I can understand, who I feel something akin to. We have seen more then just one society, one way of doing things.

And so I hopeully will be a little more patient with my coworkers over the next day as I finish out the week. Perhaps finish it on a high note, knowing the car will finally be newly muffled and inspected. Knowing that I have made new aquantances and have many new opportunites a head of me.  And hey, even if sometimes Dave and I have to save our pennies to eat out once or twice  month and cover the unfortunate downfalls, we still have jobs, each other, a house we can fill wth friends (or boarders if circumstances ever prevailed upon us), wonderful pets, family, and great new friends.

This post ended on a completely different note then it began, and for that I am glad too!